Ain’t no spiders by the phone

Ain’t no crickets in the car

Ain’t no hornets back at home

Ain’t no termites on the bar.


Ain’t no rats beneath the floor

Ain’t no mice beside the mat

Ain’t no bats beyond the door

Ain’t no snakes to tremble at.


But I’ve been seeing stuff I can’t explain

An onslaught on an anxious brain

A scourge a curse a mighty strain

Enough to drive a man insane.


Ain’t no shark’s teeth at my throat

Ain’t no bear’s breath up my nose

Yet the prospect gets my goat

And my apprehension grows.


Ain’t no buzzards on the bus

Ain’t no tigers in the trees

Yet their image makes me fuss

And my heartbeat starts to freeze.


For I’ve been feeling stuff I can’t explain

That comes back time and time again

A certainty I’ll miss my train

“Hey waiter, pronto, more champagne”.