Metrosexual Lad

I drink because I’m bored

I’ve cheated and I’ve whored

My days are full of laughter and fine wine

I toke before I smoke

I cough until I choke

Yet rarely do I say no to a line.

 

I’ve tried to give them up

I’ve surely had enough

I’m told that I should kick them all the time

But there’s no therapy

That works as well for me

As Russian vodka with a slice of lime.

 

I’ve lived well off my looks

I’ve dined with famous cooks

And visited more country piles than most

I’ve held down prestige jobs

Supplied by grand nabobs

Who soon aspire to be my gracious host.

 

I’m a twenty-first century metrosexual lad

It’s a privilege to be with you at last

I’m confident and free with an ancient family tree

And if you really want to please me do it fast.

 

I’m a twenty-first century metrosexual cad

I truly only have time for myself

I’ll put on a good show for people I don’t know

Whose invitations overspill my shelf.

 

I’m agile on my feet

And difficult to beat

I haven’t come across my equal yet

For life’s a contact sport

Where good cheats don’t get caught

And top dogs never break into a sweat.

 

I’m the wizzard of the walk

The focus of much talk

The chap who always stands out in the crowd

I’m loved by gorgeous girls

Some daughters of dead earls

Which never fails to make their mothers proud.

 

I grab life by the throat

I’m master of the quote

I’ve conquered all the tricks to get ahead

And in the daily press

Regardless of my dress

They tell the world my style’s just so drop dead.

 

I’m a twenty-first century metrosexual lad

It’s a privilege to be with you at last

I’m confident and free with an ancient family tree

And if you really want to please me do it fast.

 

I’m a twenty-first century metrosexual cad

I truly only have time for myself

I’ll put on a good show for people I don’t know

Whose invitations overspill my shelf.

 

I’m rarely on my own

And never sleep at home

I’m friends with all today’s celebrities

In nightclubs yachts and bars

And Alpine cable cars

I mingle with the super rich with ease.

 

It’s not about my greed

Or craving to succeed

That lets me get such pleasure out of life

But when you’ve got a pot

Or even diddly squat

A prenup trumps the pitfalls of a wife.

 

I’ve never been obsessed

Or even that impressed

By all the wealth and power in the land

But meet me on the street

In Monaco or Crete

And soon you may begin to understand.

 

I’m a twenty-first century metrosexual lad

It’s a privilege to be with you at last

I’m confident and free with an ancient family tree

And if you really want to please me do it fast.

 

I’m a twenty-first century metrosexual cad

I truly only have time for myself

I’ll put on a good show for people I don’t know

Whose invitations overspill my shelf.

 

I’m a twenty-first century metrosexual lad

There’s never been one like me in the past

A twenty-first century metrosexual cad

It’s good to tie my colours to the mast

Oh yeah

As being me is such a monster blast!